How to write wedding vows that sound like you

Writing your own vows is daunting because it is public, it is permanent, and it is about the person you love most. The good news is that the vows that land are almost never the flowery ones. They are the specific, honest ones that obviously sound like you. Here is how to write vows you will be glad you said.

Vows are a promise, not a highlights reel

It is tempting to make your vows a tour of the relationship: how you met, the holidays, the in-jokes. Those are lovely, but they are the setup. The heart of a vow is the promise. What are you actually committing to? Name a few real ones and make them specific. “I promise to still make you laugh when we are old and grumpy” says far more than “I promise to love you forever”, because it sounds like a real life rather than a card.

Be specific: let one small thing carry it

The fastest way to sound like everyone else is to reach for the big words: soulmate, forever, my everything. The fastest way to sound like you is to point at something small and true. The way they hum when they cook. That they never let you walk home alone in the dark. Pick one or two of those and the whole thing feels like yours.

Trade a label for a moment. Instead of “you are so kind”, say the kind thing they actually did.
Use their name and the real details. Vague vows could be read at anyone’s wedding.
One honest line beats five grand ones. Restraint is what makes a room go quiet, not adjectives.

Match the tone to how you actually talk

Vows should sound like you on a good day, not a stranger reading poetry. If you are funny, be funny, then turn and mean it: a couple of real laughs followed by a promise that lands is the move that gets people. If you are quiet and plainspoken, do not force the grand declarations. Whatever you write, read it out loud first. If it is a line you would never actually say, cut it.

Example vows

Jamie, I didn't expect to meet the love of my life at a barbecue, holding a paper plate. But there you were, and there you've been ever since. I love that you check on everyone in the room before yourself. I love that you sing badly in the car and don't care who hears. I love that on my worst days, you have never once let me feel alone. So here is what I promise you. To be your partner in the boring stuff and the big stuff. To listen properly, and to say sorry first when I'm wrong. To keep choosing you, on the ordinary Tuesdays as much as on days like today. You're my favourite person, and I can't wait to be married to you.

Common mistakes

Making it a highlights reel with no actual promises. The promise is the point of a vow.
Writing vows that could be read at anyone’s wedding. If it is not specific to them, it is not yet yours.
Reaching for cliches like “you complete me”, “my better half”, or “my rock”. They are worn smooth and say nothing.
Turning it into a five-minute speech. A minute or two, said with your whole heart, is plenty.
Never reading them aloud before the day. If it does not sound like you speaking, rewrite it until it does.